**I've
been importing in this blog all of my previous posts from my old blogs. I
wanted to merge everything because I felt there is a sense of security in
doing so.
**This page right here was actually a blog post from my
late blog, BASKET OF
DREAMS, which I deleted a long time ago, but of course, I deleted the
blog itself but I never deleted my writings. I love all of the masterpieces I
made from the past, beautiful, ugly, good or bad writings will always be
kept! And I just decided today
(February 9, 2013) to publish again all of these masterpieces in one site!
Dates are preserved by the way.
|
As a kid, I was defensive. If people start blaming me, I end up yelling, because no one seems to listen and I wanted to be heard! Because I am correct! I wanted my opinions to be acknowledge, but most of the time it is still unfair because I'm still the one to blame! I'm right! They are wrong!
I was a kid then, and naturally, what I mostly believe at that time is that the world is revolving around me.
Then there is this one time that I was so irritated and frustrated with my mom and one of my brothers, and because I don't have anyone to tell it to, I then wrote all of my grudges instead in my journal. I was writing in capital letters and I was crying and I felt that everything is so unfair and that the situation is very terrible for me. Mostly, I felt like I was about to pack my things and get out of the house, but of course I did not. I was mad, really mad.
Months after that I scanned my journal and that frustrated part of my journal surprised me! At first I was asking myself, "who the hell wrote this in my journal?" And as I begun to familiarize that I was the one who wrote it, I was like, "oh my gosh, why?! What am I so upset about?"
I found out, of course, that the reason why I wrote that section is just because of a very very very small matter. I think it started because my mom was asking me to wash the dishes or something and so, I was maybe busy about something unimportant and she started shouting and I am shouting back and my brother was getting mad as well and.. ugh.. seriously, I can't remember anymore.. everything is a blurrrrr!
So anyway, to cut it short, I was angry about something, a tiny something, a something that I should not exert effort to (maybe). And it is just funny to read it back again because I was really dead angry about that small something. And as I read on the anger that was scribbled on my journal, that was the very first time that I really felt that I saw my own reflection, like honestly saw who I am and what I am and what I should change.
Like, most of the time elders are gonna tell you what you need to do. Sometimes, you are gonna watch a movie and that movie will tell you to be a good person. Then there are also people who's gonna tell you that you should change something. There are also times where you're gonna encounter a quote that seems inspiring but you can't really see the point on it.
It's difficult, right? When people try to convince you to change. It feels like it's either you're not ready to change or that you don't feel like you really need to change at all.
What feels good though is when *poof* you just realize, without any of the people's conviction, that it's already the perfect time to change yourself, or change something with your life or even change something about your principle.
That is why, from there on, I never pushed anyone to change themselves. I realized that most of the time we are too busy asking other people to change their crap, when we are the one who is crappy! We are focused on the lousiness of others! My question is why not focus on our own ugliness?
Cause first of all, we don't have the right to change anyone. Plus eventually they will change on their own, they will change for the better, not now, not in a snap and specially not for you. And while they are on it, why not just try to accept them as they are.
And before we set our expectations for other people, before we point fingers and complain, let's do something that we barely do, like looking at ourselves and acknowledging that we are crappy and we are not flawless and we make mistakes and that there might be a possibility that we are not seeing this things and one way or another we also need to change something about ourselves.
This is actually one of the main reason why I am so thankful about my journals, my diaries and my blogs. I felt like I found and learn a lot about myself that I previously don't know through my writings. I realized a lot of my immaturity and my stupidity that I don't know I have through all of this notes. That's why even if I have good or ugly writings, I never trashed any of it.
As of now, I am still defensive. But when people start blaming me, I listen, cause they might be right and I may be wrong. I know my opinions are important but I know someone's opinion might be more important than mine. Life is a process of learning, unlearning and relearning and the world is not revolving around me.
Then there is this one time that I was so irritated and frustrated with my mom and one of my brothers, and because I don't have anyone to tell it to, I then wrote all of my grudges instead in my journal. I was writing in capital letters and I was crying and I felt that everything is so unfair and that the situation is very terrible for me. Mostly, I felt like I was about to pack my things and get out of the house, but of course I did not. I was mad, really mad.
Months after that I scanned my journal and that frustrated part of my journal surprised me! At first I was asking myself, "who the hell wrote this in my journal?" And as I begun to familiarize that I was the one who wrote it, I was like, "oh my gosh, why?! What am I so upset about?"
I found out, of course, that the reason why I wrote that section is just because of a very very very small matter. I think it started because my mom was asking me to wash the dishes or something and so, I was maybe busy about something unimportant and she started shouting and I am shouting back and my brother was getting mad as well and.. ugh.. seriously, I can't remember anymore.. everything is a blurrrrr!
So anyway, to cut it short, I was angry about something, a tiny something, a something that I should not exert effort to (maybe). And it is just funny to read it back again because I was really dead angry about that small something. And as I read on the anger that was scribbled on my journal, that was the very first time that I really felt that I saw my own reflection, like honestly saw who I am and what I am and what I should change.
Like, most of the time elders are gonna tell you what you need to do. Sometimes, you are gonna watch a movie and that movie will tell you to be a good person. Then there are also people who's gonna tell you that you should change something. There are also times where you're gonna encounter a quote that seems inspiring but you can't really see the point on it.
It's difficult, right? When people try to convince you to change. It feels like it's either you're not ready to change or that you don't feel like you really need to change at all.
What feels good though is when *poof* you just realize, without any of the people's conviction, that it's already the perfect time to change yourself, or change something with your life or even change something about your principle.
That is why, from there on, I never pushed anyone to change themselves. I realized that most of the time we are too busy asking other people to change their crap, when we are the one who is crappy! We are focused on the lousiness of others! My question is why not focus on our own ugliness?
Cause first of all, we don't have the right to change anyone. Plus eventually they will change on their own, they will change for the better, not now, not in a snap and specially not for you. And while they are on it, why not just try to accept them as they are.
And before we set our expectations for other people, before we point fingers and complain, let's do something that we barely do, like looking at ourselves and acknowledging that we are crappy and we are not flawless and we make mistakes and that there might be a possibility that we are not seeing this things and one way or another we also need to change something about ourselves.
This is actually one of the main reason why I am so thankful about my journals, my diaries and my blogs. I felt like I found and learn a lot about myself that I previously don't know through my writings. I realized a lot of my immaturity and my stupidity that I don't know I have through all of this notes. That's why even if I have good or ugly writings, I never trashed any of it.
As of now, I am still defensive. But when people start blaming me, I listen, cause they might be right and I may be wrong. I know my opinions are important but I know someone's opinion might be more important than mine. Life is a process of learning, unlearning and relearning and the world is not revolving around me.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Anong meron?