One moment pass.

At one moment, I was happy. Alam ko ang defense mechanism ko pagkasama ko na ang mga magulang ko, and it's regression. I become disable. Biglang di na ako marunong mag-hugas ng pinggan, magsaing ng kanin at lalamon ako ng lalamon all day long.

No better gift ika nga. I was not really expecting for anything. I was simply happy that we're complete. Honestly mumbling. Kung nagbabasa ka naman talaga ng blog ko ever since I started (dun sa mga past blog ko na di ko na ginagamit ngayon), I was always wishing for us to be complete.

I don't even care how chismosa will be our neighbors kapag nandito na sila. Wala akong paki! I am just happy that they are here.

I told myself, hopefully we could all just pretend for a moment that we are truly a happy family. In my mind, I was wishing na sana these moments with them ay mag-last pa. Kung pwede lang. But I heard a friend's mom told that, "May plano tayo, but God has His own plan for us.." and that strike hard, I guess may reason talaga why things have to be this way.

Nandun yung pakiramdam na you have this responsibility na baka ikaw yung susi para someday magkasama-sama din ang lahat. Baka yun ang purpose ko, ang ihaon sa baha ang pamilya ko. Walang chika.

And then that happy moment end. My brother. Minsan feeling ko ang selfish na niya sa pag seself-pity niya. I mean, I was hoping he could have realize that he could uplift himself by striving harder para makuha niya yung mga gusto niya, but then he always end up blaming his loses to my parents. He could not blame his anguish life sa parents namin forever, no! Why not prove my parents wrong? Pare-pareho naman kame na hindi mabigay ng magulang namin yung gusto namin lagi. Hindi kame ganun kayaman. Ako, iniisip ko na wala naman akong bagong gamit lagi, pero iniisip ko, bibilhin ko na lang lahat ng gusto ko pag may work na ko, someday.

Dapat ba maging tungkol sa kanya ang lahat ng ito, I mean, can't he be happy kahit sandali lang para sa kin? Dahil may kapatid siyang ggraduate? Pero hindi, tungkol na naman ang lahat ng ito sa kanya. AT tungkol sa nasira niyang buhay.

I just can't imagine how narcissistic this can be. I mean, I'm not striving hard to finish JUST FOR MYSELF! I've been doing this for the good of everyone, with the intention to help everyone and uplift our lives. But here he goes thinking how miserable his life and how unfair this sane world is for him. Lahat naman kame nagkaroon ng kanya-kanya naming mga sacrifices. I mean, kung ikukumpara pa nga ang mga na-experience niya sa buhay namin, mas marami na siyang narating. Kung saan saang lugar na siya napadpad. Hindi pa rin siya masaya.

Wala na akong sasabihin. I'll just do my best. Alam ko lahat na lang kinaiinisan niya, katulad ng ako nakuha ako ni Mama sa states, pero sana maisip niya na para din naman sa amin (hindi lang para sa akin) yung gagawin ko. Hay.. Wala lang, I'll just shut up, kase walang kwenta na rin naman dumakdak, lalo na hindi ako kalmado.


I know I've been always on a bad mood pag magsusulat dito sa blog, but I'm not sorry about it.


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